F**king dog's ass STINKS right now.
GAWD
Tag Archives: wtf
Wasp Crackers
I was all ready to file this one under "Redundant Slurs Against White People", until I looked at the picture.
ETA: Speaking of crackers, we're teaching American Sign Language to Troy, hoping that it will reduce the terror of the Terrible Twos by allowing him to communicate his needs to us. We're using the Baby Signing Time series of videos.
One of the first words they teach you is "cracker":
Click to see a video demonstration of the word "cracker" being signed
Of course, me being me, I couldn't resist; instead of making the correct sign, I simply said "cracker" and pointed at Kelly.
That set off an internal struggle inside my brainial region:
I'm so offended!
No, wait – that was HILARIOUS!
*sigh*
It's tough being a half-breed.
Hello, Big Brother
Tackling a dilemma right out of a science fiction novel, the state Senate passed legislation Thursday that would bar employers from requiring workers to have identification devices implanted under their skin.
It's pretty simple, really. Any company that requires me to surgically modify my body as a condition of employment will not be gaining my services.
[Via /.]
California FTW
I'm sorry, but did I suddenly pull up stakes and relocate my job and my life to war-torn South Central Iraqistan without my brain knowing it? WTF is going on with the power grid? Didn't we have this same issue 6 years ago? WhyTF isn't it fixed yet???
From The Bee:
California's electricity grid manager warned that power to large energy consumers is likely to be cut later Thursday to keep the state's lights on.
From Roseville & Rocklin Today:
[Energy saving tip:] Consider hanging your clothes to dry outside
What??? This is the year 2-0-0-7, not 1-8-5-3.
California, get your shit together. JFC.
</rant>
Bad News Bear
Bear Grylls: The World’s Last Honest Man:
[Via WWTDD]
Jose Offerman is a Hero*
Story here.
* Except by "Hero", I mean "batshit-insane asshole".
F**ktards
At this moment, there's nothing I'd like more than to throw monkey feces at the person/people that designed this cushion. I'll spare you the details, except to say that Thursday morning I will be going to the doctor to get a tetanus shot.
Sean Sherk is a fraud. Maybe.
Ultimate Fighting lightweight champion Sean Sherk and challenger Hermes Franca received one-year suspensions and were fined $2,500 each by the California State Athletic Commission on Thursday for failing drug tests after their July 7 bout at Arco Arena.
Sherk tested positive for nandrolone metabolites [...] steroids, according to the commission. [...]
Sherk has filed an appeal, said Armando Garcia, the commission's executive officer, that will be heard at the commission's meeting Aug. 6 in Los Angeles.
It's entirely possible that someone made a mistake with the test and the suspension will be overturned on appeal, but if the ruling is upheld, it would sure as hell explain why Sean "The Muscle Jerk" Sherk is so dominant in the octagon. The couple of fights I've seen him in, his opponents were simply overmatched. Sherk controlled virtually every aspect of the fight, and wore them down with Ground-N-Pound.
If he's innocent, he's one hell of an athlete. If not, he's just another roided-up chump with shriveling testes.
Overweight kids are teased
Yet another news story from the Department of Derrrrrrr, this one reporting that overweight kids face widespread stigma:
Overweight children are stigmatized by their peers as early as age 3 and even face bias from their parents and teachers, giving them a quality of life comparable to people with cancer, a new analysis concludes.
Youngsters who report teasing, rejection, bullying and other types of abuse because of their weight are two to three times more likely to report suicidal thoughts as well as to suffer from other health issues such as high blood pressure and eating disorders, researchers said.
I was never the fat kid (though I did have a chunky phase throughout most of my twenties), but I do remember teasing one of my overweight classmates. I have neither excuse nor rationale for what I did. I acted without thinking about how it would make him feel, and I'm sure it was terrible for him. Chris, on the off chance that you're reading this, I'm sorry.
So, MSNBC, you did a good job. You wrote an article that made me realize what a jackass I had been toward my fat(ter) contemporaries when I was a child. I vowed that I would never again make fun of the overweight, for it could have dire consequences on their quality of life. You made me a better man.
Then I kept reading the article:
Lynn McAfee, 58, of Stowe, Pa., said that as an overweight child she faced troubles on all fronts. [...] Other children would try to run her down on bikes to see if she would bounce.
COME ON!!! How am I not supposed to laugh at that?!? AAAUUUGHHHH!!!
Nice going, MSNBC. You snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. I was a reformed man, and now all I want to do is throw pennies at a fat kid to see if they'll bounce off.
400 alarm fire in Antelope!
So there I was, kicking back on the couch, sipping on a wine cooler single-malt Scotch, and reading a book, when Homer runs to the back door and starts going apeshit. Now, if you know dogs at all, you know that apeshitty behavior, though random, is not an uncommon occurrence.
So I ignored him.
Five minutes later, though, there was a vigorous, insistent knock at my front door.
I looked at my clock. 9:35 pm. WTF? Kelly was at a volleyball game, and no one was coming over, so who the hell could it be?
I peeked out the window and saw an 18-year-old kid. He looked harmless enough, so I opened the door:
Me: 'sup?
Kid: Nothin'
Me: You gellin'?
Kid: STFU
Me: True.
Kid: There's a fire behind your house.
Me: Tight shit, yo.
And then I punched him in the neck.
So I raced to the backyard fence, and, sure enough, there was a fire blazing behind my house. Beyond our fence sits a big, undeveloped grassy field. The grass is dry — very dry — so I wasn't completely shocked that it was ablaze, it being the peak of fire season and what not.
I grabbed my ladder, unspooled the garden house, and donned my pithhelmut to attack the blaze. It wasn't until after I'd gotten everything all set up that it dawned on me: my firefighting would be much more effective if I opened up the back gate and took the hose out into the field, rather than spraying wildly from a ladder in my back yard.
So I ran back into the garage to get the gate key. Just as I finished opening the gate, a Sac Metro fireman came through my front gate to save the day.
I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that Sac Metro, Roseville FD, CDF, and whoever else was involved did their jobs supremely. They got on the scene and had the fire out quickly. There were at least two trucks in front of my house, and at least 8-10 on the road behind my house. They were there in full force, and they got the job done. Kudos.
I wish I had some live action shots or video to show you, but I was too busy first hauling my fire gear out to the front lines, and then, after the FD took over, entertaining the neighborhood teenagers who had come through our yard and congregated around my back gate. I didn't smite them only because one of them knocked on my door and let me know that my wooden fence was in mortal danger.
And where was Troy throughout this whole ordeal? Sleeping. Dead to the world. A sonic boom 10 feet over his head couldn't have woken him.